On the home stretch.

I finally sucked it up, tamed my tigers and looked the fear straight in the eye.

If I haven't been in contact with the medical model of care for this pregnancy then why was I feeling so intimidated and scared by their calls? Why was it holding me, covering me with a dark cloud?

I know why. Because I was letting it.

Despite separating myself from the hospital system I was still feeling as though it was in control. I wasn't standing up for myself. My very own fears were realised.

I was afraid of the outcome. Afraid of actually needing to go there. All of this may be trivial but it was a real fear deep within me. It may have just been a woman trying to arrange antenatal care, simple? Not for me. There was much more to it than that.

Enough was enough.

So I called back. I simply said I had arranged private care and wouldn't be needing to use the clinic at the hospital. She said thanks for letting them know and that was that.

End of story.

So simple yet so difficult for me.

I felt better.

So it's now 32 weeks.

I cannot believe I'll have a little baby here so soon.

I feel like I'm running out of time and still have so much to do.

I've finally finished Birthing from Within and am now reading Unnasisted Childbirth.

I finished my Blessingway Invitations and they are stunning, if I do say so myself!

I'm very excited about gathering with friends and honouring my pregnancy.

Checking in

The family have finally recovered from a nasty case of gastro, myself included thanks to my two beautiful children passing it on. Now that's motherly love!



I have been really getting stuck into my doula studies which is great. Finally some motivation. Still a long way to go but I'm getting there.



Back to the topic of gastro, I made a trip to my GP because I had the most amazing rash on my face, complete with puffy eyes. I was a bit concerned about it so thought it best to get it checked out. (I turned out to be harmless!)



A simple trip to the GP turned out to be such a huge drama and I really wanted to kick myself afterwards. It was awful. I felt like a naughty school girl.

I was quizzed about the pregnancy and then he noticed on the computer that I hadn't been to see anyone at the clinic since February. I stated that I had been well and didn't need to. Made perfect sense to me! He then asked who was providing my antenatal care. You see where this is going? I was feeling still rather ill at this point and just wanted to go home. I told him I hadn't booked into the hospital yet. He almost fell over and told me how I was pregnant and needed 'care'. He asked me a million irrelevant questions and then walked out of the room only to return with a Doppler and asked if he could listen and feel the baby. I wanted to vomit on him, I should have.

He continued with his ranting about women needing to have these routine tests and procedures and structured antenatal care because 1 in 200 women will die. Not sure where he pulled these figures or what the women actually died of. LOL.

He did my blood pressure twice just to make sure, asked me why I hadn't had blood tests done or an Ultra sound claiming that 'they need to know these things'.

He printed out all the forms and told me to get them done that day. I actually laughed and said 'yep in between the vomiting I'll do that!'

Argh stupid people!
So I think I'm in the clear, I take the forms home and put them on the shelf. I'm not having anything done. I'm fine, baby is fine but...

The next day I get a phone call from the Hospital antenatal clinic! They had been faxed my details and were following me up as I need to get in and arrange to see them for some antenatal care! I couldn't believe the Dr had faxed them my details without telling me.

I didn't return the call and I don't intend to.

To recover I spent the next few days reading studies and stories on home birth/free birth and VBAmC.

I was so rattled by this doctor and it got me thinking about my choices. It made me so angry that here I am needing that support yet I have to AVOID them because their fear of birth is so ridiculous. It shouldn't be like that. Women should have the access to whatever care she needs, without the fear, the scaremongering and hospital policies.

I'm not irresponsible.
I'm staying away from the hospital because that's where I'm safe. I wont be subjected to fear, to tests and to trauma.

It's not easy.
Sometimes it feels like a constant battle to achieve something that is supposed to be so utterly normal.
My right to birth.

Cloth Baby Shoes

I am so inspired to make these cloth baby shoes, just imagine all the wonderful colours and patterns you could make!

My next task...

nothing special

I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has progressed. I think being so sick for the first few months added to that feeling. I didn't feel pregnant I just felt sick and miserable. So the time I've spent actually enjoying being pregnant has been far less than my other two pregnancies.

I'm in the last trimester already! I really need to start getting things organised and be a bit more prepared. Maybe the nesting urge has set in already? LOL

I spent the weekend tie dyeing a massive load of teeny tiny white baby clothes. I didn't remember how much white stuff one can have for a baby. Ahh well it's now all purple or blue or green or red or yellow. Very cool baby!

It was loads of fun and looks so much nicer than white, blue, pink or lemon. Ewwwww.

I'm at the stage now where I'm getting uncomfortable sleeping and it takes a very long time to actually fall asleep. This belly babe like to dance at all hours of the night. I am surrounded by my body pillow and a huge doona so poor DP is missing his cuddles but sleep is just too precious at the moment.

I plan on getting a few things off my birth/baby needs list each week so eventually I'll have it all organised by the time I go into labour. I do have to book an appointment with the naturopath to get my labour/birth tinctures made up.

I want to start organising my blessingway and DP and I want to have some pregnancy photos taken together.

So I think I've got plenty to keep me busy...

I have been doing some reflective thinking or soul searching if you like. Looking within to address fears and challenges that were holding me back from truly following my instinct.

I had a dream or what I thought was a nightmare the other night about childbirth. I awoke really quite shaken and it rattled me. I talked it out with my doula and realised that this dream was significant. It wasn't as scary or a nightmare as I first thought. This was my intuition telling me or guiding me in the right direction. It woke me up to the responsibility of addressing fears I had deep within me.

Once I acknowledged these fears and worked through them I felt much lighter and the path was clearer. It's amazing what we can achieve if we just listen to ourselves.

When one takes responsibility for their pregnancy and birth you are required to listen to your baby, your knowledge of your body and your baby and most importantly listen to your instinct. It's a beautiful freeing journey to lead.

I know I'm 100% responsible for myself and my baby. No-body knows them better than I do.

It was a challenge at first because I'm used to the medical model of pregnancy where someone tells me what tests to have, where my baby is positioned and what I'm doing wrong etc.

This time it's all me.

It's how I feel and how I'm bonding and getting to know where my baby is inside me. No-one else.

I'm not irresponsible or naive.

I'm empowered!