Healing Homebirth

Australia's Homebirth Network

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mountain after mountain

It's amazing how things can creep up out of nowhere to remind you of how you really feel. I'm feeling overwhelmed as of late. All these mountains to climb. You climb one only to discover another right there in front of you. It hurts and it sucks. I'm not in a great head space.

I feel a cycle ending almost. Well not ending completely or forever as such, this will never end. I have an amazing amount of unpacking to do yet. I lay in the bath tonight looking at my full moon belly and all I feel is loss and sadness. Mourning the births my first two babes never got.

I feel guilty.

I lay there and the flashbacks return. All I could think was who held my baby while I was alone in a dark room? Why didn't I get to hold him? Then the tears fell...

I've gone so long without those feelings and memories. It was too good to be true.

Bush flower essences help but it's not a solution is it? It allows for coping but how will I ever be ready and okay? It hurts.


I don't know what else to say tonight...

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